Surrendering to the Goddess
It's been quite a while since I've posted here and I have a thought to start back a little bit in order to bring everyone up to the same place in time and space. I turned a prophetic 50 years old at the beginning of April this year and since then I have had no little happenings. First there was a wonderful party in April to celebrate my birthday and also to celebrate the positive with friends good health and good times.

This quickly was followed by my first experience of Beltane the way it should be, clothing optional, adult only, very hedonistic. There were some awesome workshops including "Putting more energy into spanking" and "sensual massage" both of which were excellently done and I learned a great deal. I had my first taste (and liked it) of a real dungeon set-up and couldn't get enough but found too that there is a price to pay for playing. My partner and I spent some intense quality time together and came away with a new sense of partnership and bonding that I hadn't imagined. I participated in a very intense ritual saturday that was truly mind expanding. I met some really wonderful people and made some new friends and maybe future lovers. I am really looking forward to going to Fires of Venus in september, I can hardly contain myself.

This was followed by the death of a friend's 18 year old son just a few short weeks before he was to graduate high school. This was truly tragic and it really hit me hard, I spent the better portion of a week crying about it. We had a beautiful gathering in his memory and shared stories together. We laughed and we cried and we sang and praised his young life. It was amazing and everyone felt better afterward.

Then to top everything off and deal me a total curve ball, I was asked to resign my position of 19 years at the hospital. We are not a good fit anymore, um ok then.... So I resign and am waiting my first unemployment payment and now I'm faced with a total change at the age of 50. What shall I do? Well I've only been out of work for 2 wks but I've decided that working in a hospital is not going to work for me. I don't feel that I can do that again. So now what you ask? I've decided to go back to school and have already applied to grad school at PSU. And as you might guess, Murphy's law is in effect and it's too late to apply for fall 2010 but I was informed that I could apply for spring of 2011 which I promptly did. My references are in, I've gotten comfirmation via e-mail and now I just have to wait. The next thing will be materializing money but I am intending on Surrendering to the Goddess and trusting that it will work out somehow.

So that is the pg-13 long and short of the story. My life has really proven to be intense, changing, spiritually charged and emotionally incredible over the past two short months. I'm looking forward to what comes next.

the sadness of loss
I haven't posted in a while and have much to tell about my first beltane gathering but that will have to wait until another time. First I must post about a tragedy that has befallen my circle of friends. A very close friend and ex lover has suffered the deepest loss imaginable. Several days ago his son died in a car crash, he was only 18. He was to graduate from High School this month and had so many plans and dreams. Sadly they have been cut short. We are all suffering inside, trying to imagine and not quite being able to the loss of a child, something that should never happen to a parent. I pray to the Goddess that I will never have that experience! I find that it touches me to the core of my being. I knew this child from the time he was a baby. I am reminded once again how fragile and fleeting life really is. I love you all be good to each other! may you never thirst my friends!

My earliest memory of christmas was at my grandparents house. My sister and I got up and went to the living room, I was 4 or 5 at the time and my sister was 2 or 3. We were opening presents and my sister being young and looking to me for help was unsure of what to do with all these things wrapped with bows. Well, I being the ever helpful big sister started helping her unwrap her stuff. We were having a grand time until my grandfather decided that this was wrong and proceeded to berate me until both me and my sister were crying and hiding in another room. I found out much later that my father told him not to do that to us. Well the damage was done by then and the holidays have never been a time of joy for me.

I have a fond memory later on at our home on christmas coming downstairs to the basement and finding hordes of presents to open. My sister and I tearing into them to see what Santa brought.

I only had one set of grandparents and I was the first grandchild to be born. But my grandparents were not warm and fuzzy like the fairy tale version. They were more of the old fashioned spare the rod spoil the child kind of people. We would be relegated to the den a very small room, to play. We were expected to entertain ourselves and not bother the adults. It was lucky that I had my sister to play with at least. Eventually I learned how to play bridge and was allowed to fill in for an adult who might be tending to the kitchen chores or something of that sort.

I always joke to people that my family is so close that we all live on the north american continent. But in reality, we don't see each other and don't stay in touch. My grandparents are dead now and I don't grieve for them. Why should I? I was not really loved by them more than necessary. My aunts and uncles are not close either. We are all scattered across the country. Although I have seen them on occasion but usually that was for a wedding (or funeral). The last time we saw each other was several years ago at my cousins wedding. Before that I think we were together 20 yrs ago for my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary.

I am always jealous of the way other families seem to have such good connections with each other. When I see a family come to visit a patient and her "new" family, it amazes me because I never had that and will never have that closeness with my blood relatives. When I had my daughter I only had one visitor come to see me and of course my folks came the day I went home to take me home. My other relatives couldn't, wouldn't and didn't come and it probably never crossed their minds. Oh the love of the family bond.

As I type this we have just finished the christmas holiday season and I anticipating a good drunk to celebrate the end of the season for new year's. I hate this time of year. Everyone goes to visit their relatives and friends and I am alone again (at least my daughter is still at home). I hate it greatly. Not even a phone call from any close friends. They are all busy with their lives. I do wish that was my life too.

holidays and any other time of the year!
Well, I suppose that I should be used to the way my life is but I'm not. That's almost comical in a sad sort of way. I really dislike the holidays because it makes my life that much more sad. I really wish that I understood the way it was supposed to be but I don't. I am always alone in the end and feeling isolated and abandoned. It just serves to remind me that I don't count, that I'm not really worthy of much and generally just a very tiny ant on a big anthill.

I feel that I am always the one seeking out human contact and that most of the time it's a burden to others. I am not sure why since I am truly a nice person and am loving and giving of myself, my time and space and anything else to help.

So why is it that nice girls always finish last and alone. I really dislike being alone, even though I've done it for years. I don't know how to change it and when I try to exact some change in my life it doesn't help. I'm very good at solitaire!

I enjoy being with other people and am secretly dreading the time my daughter will go off to college since then I will truly be oh so much more alone.

Sometimes I feel like I'm buying love from people and that alot of them would stop coming around if I quit doing it.

Is it wrong to think that someone else would think of me and call to chat?

Ah well I guess life will go on none the less.

I hope that everyone had a Happy holiday.

home for the holidays
Since I have much to say and no one to really say it to, I thought that I would start my own rant page. I get so very tired of people talking politics. I'm irritated with our current president as well since I had hopes that he would decrease our foothold in the off shore empires we are trying to create. Really why is it really necessary to send more troops to Afganistan? Do we really have that much invested in the herion trade? Quite possibly! And don't tell me it's because of 9-11 because that was our good friends the saudi's that did that! Have we exacted revenge on them? Hardly! I thought that he would be different and when it really came down to brass tacks he got on the bandwagon with everyone else.

And that leads into my real theme of why are people so mean and nasty?

I'm a firm believer that it is because there is not enough love passed around to effect a hundred monkey change. Maybe you didn't get your coffee this morning but so what? I've spent most of my life being abandoned by the people I supposedly love and love me back. This should make me bitter and it definitely has made me cynical as all hell! But I keep hoping for something new to happen and do you all really care about each other or is it just a front for filling your quota of time with busy-ness.

Well I must say that the world has yet to let me down and fuck them if they can't take a joke. I am ever surprised if people really give a damn about anything worthwhile. What I find happens is the ever present swap that occurs, what can I do for you that I can't do for myself or vice versa. And then the chit counting starts. I really hate to count chits but I will do it if I have to unfortunately, I find that I am usually on the negative side.

I would be so surprised if this world could change and be more utopian in it's existence. (and yes I do believe that could occur) But I'm sure it won't. (there's that cynic again).

So I will remain ever present and willing to be used by my "friends", and I use that term loosely. But I would just once like to actually have a friend who really gave a shit about me and my life.

I spend too much time listening to others bemoaning their lives and it's depressing. So there it is my rant at the wold. Totally disjointed and not very eloquent but who really cares? And who will read this anyway?

around the corner and around the world
Can one be single and still be poly? What about the couple that only wants a third to complete them? That is not poly really is it? To me that is only monogamy in disguise, trying to spice up a marriage that has gone stale. And as I delve into the polyness of life how to separate all the partners/lovers into different groups of poly. Are you his primary, secondary, maybe friends with benefits? How does one define their soul and make those choices? How can you love one person differently from another or can you make that arbitrary distinction?

The making of a "family" from single individuals to a group of semi-cohesive lovers/partners can be immensely difficult. Keeping things in perspective can be down right impossible! And how can one manage to construct these other relationships?

Are you straight or maybe bi? But maybe only bi because your lover has expressed a desire to have a three-way and you want to fulfill his needs over yours. ( For truly we are still subject to the programming we were indoctrinated with as children).

Do we have a closed group as in polyfidelity? Or open relations? And do we think before we get involved with that next person. How many lovers do we want to juggle? Couples together or singley? Singles together or apart? How many close to the hearts can we have? Is there a limit or can love really conquer all?

I have personally practiced many different forms of relationships with others. I have been monogamous several times with different partners. I have been polyfidelitous within a group of people (and boy did that not work!) I have been single and alone for only a year and a half and am learning the real capabilities that I have for the amount of love I can give and receive.

I have been in a group where I was the hub for 4 other people (that was not fun)! I had no time to be me and live my life. I only worked to keep the rest of the group functioning well.

And of your lovers will you be friends with their lovers or more? Will you share commonalities together to form a friendship? Will there be nothing in common other than the lover that you share?

And what of JEALOUSY? That big ugly green monster that rears it's head at the most inopportune moments. Do you know how to handle it or are you able to communicate with your loves about it? Are you getting what you need (or what you perceive that you need)?

Time management the downfall of poly, if you can't do it well, then you've got to learn how to allocate your resources to fit all the needs of your loves in to the schedule.

It seems to me that even with good communication there is still the real possibility of falling flat on one's face. You've got to make communication first and foremost in the relationships to make them work. And everyone else must practice that as well. I can't talk about it just doesn't cut it. That is not an option good or bad.

So my dear friends and lovers all, I will strive for good communication to the best of my ability, and I will hope that you do the same.

In peace and love and light and lust for all,
Luna Bear

Life with a teenager
My life with a teenager is becoming more complicated as the days pass. Now she wants to go to a movie with a boy alone! I must back up and tell you that she's only 13 but a knock out looker already! And the snappy stuff is really irritating to deal with, I just pray to the goddess to give me strength to not KILL her before she gets old enough to move out of the house. But seriously, she is mostly a good kid and so ok, I'm gonna let her go to the movies alone with a boy. I did tell her hands off policy still so we'll see. Of course it is totally ridiculous considering she runs around at Starwood with kids and is not supervised so why should I worry about a movie. I seem to worry more and not less and now I've got to realize thank goddess that she's growing up. I really can't wait on one hand because then I will have more freedom to do some of the things I would like to do without her. And on the other hand I don't want to seem like an ogre about it I do want her to be safe and secure in her life too. I will consider it a success if she actually goes to college and can come out on the other side and be self supporting and sufficient! Well she's off for another day and I am headed back to bed soon and work tonight.
May you never thirst my friends,
Luna Bear

Writer's Block: Play it again, Sam
If you could only listen to one CD for the rest of your life, what would you choose and why?

If I had only one cd to chose from I would pick Pink Floyd Meddle because Echoes is my all time favorite song.

Rantings from the wild side
I joined this website to learn more about new friends and lovers. Although I am tempted to write my first entry addressing topics such as the massacre in Fort Hood or the protesters in washington dc or the war in iraq and afghanistan I'm not.

I do want to write my first entry as more an introduction to my soul and world as I experience it.

I yearn for an extended bouqet of lovers (thank you Morning Glory) and desire only happiness and positive experiences for all involved. I want to be able to watch my lovers in their passion for each other and be able to experience their ecstasy as my own. I want to be entwined and yet still maintain my own positive self awareness. I want to experience full blown love and lust without reserve. And I want my lovers/partners to experience the same, to achieve oneness together and find the God/dess in us all.

Celebrating life and dancing around the fires at night, undulating bodies in trance performing the ancient rituals.
Energy moving from the earth through our bodies flowing out to the cosmos and back again.
Freedom from the trappings of the mundane world we can experience more understanding of our existence here on the mother and realize our collective consciousness becoming more enlightened.

Seeking to have my needs and desires met and yet wanting to do that with all my lovers. I will walk down this path and know that I will not be alone. Fear can only be found in darkness and I will strive to live in the light.

Love is not something to hoard but to be given freely to multiply and grow. If there were enough love in this world we would have so much less hatred, war, and death.

Drink Deep my friends,
May you never thirst,
and may you never walk alone.

Love to you all,


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